Jagged

It is a jagged wound.  The type that doesn't heal quickly, that smarts at unexpected times even as it heals, that tears again easily.  


That is honest.


And yet you wonder why I am not ready to jump off another cliff, to play tackle football, to risk.  You see it as an indication that I am not taking responsibility for my own healing.


On the contrary.


I could patch it with a band-aid and a fake-Christian smile, to appease you.  But I am not longer interested in appeasing.  That's what got me to this situation --  appeasing in this situation, appeasing in life.  I intend now to be as honest as I possibly can.  Kind.  But honest.  


If you indeed want me to be responsible for my own healing, you need to allow me the space to be honest, to listen to God's guidance, not yours, to protect healthy boundaries.  You want me to be extremely vulnerable, but that would be irresponsible on my part.  I will be vulnerable to God, not you. You call me dangerous and immature.  You view it as a weakness in my character.  Perhaps.  But I'm pretty sure God is telling me it's okay to protect my heart, to protect the process.  


I will not hurry.  That is disappointing to you, I know.  I once had a seminary professor who said, "Maturity is knowing whom to disappoint."  I am willing to disappoint you.  


I am trying to offer you grace.  I am offering you grace -- just not as much as you are demanding, as you have demanded. 


I am engaging in the process not because of you or your pressure or your attempts to shame me, not even because I am a good person.  It is because God continues to show me that He is present here with me.  He is with you too.  This is not the end for either of us.  But neither of us can or should dictate the journey forward.

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Isaiah 41:10
Fear not for I am with you.
I will strengthen you.
I will help you.
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.


Psalm 27:13-14
I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage; 
wait for the Lord.