Trying to Understand

Such a strange day and not an easy one.

An email received.  Venom thinly veiled in terse official language.


The ongoing struggle to understand, to make sense out of inexplicable decisions, actions, words.  Maybe it's because of this...  Maybe it was that....  Could it have been because of this....?


Scenarios imagined.  Explanations speculated.  Stories replayed and replayed.


I don't think we're going to get to understand.  I think we're to walk in faith and dignity and gentleness in the midst of the fog.  We're to find peace in the confusion, peace that flows only from faith.  From a faith that is stretched to capacity, but lengthened and strengthened because of the stretching.


But I did read something interesting this afternoon while waiting in the carpool line, something that resonated with at least one of my speculations.  Nathan Foster writes in Wisdom Chaser of his experience hiking Mount Elbert, the tallest mountain in Colorado, with his father, Richard Foster:

Somewhere in the haze of our strenuous activity, I remembered a day from the past.  After not being allowed to attend my best friend's birthday party, I had thrown the biggest fit of my life.  I remember standing on my bed, screaming at Dad.  He countered me, doing the stern father thing, and we went back and forth, fighting for power. Then my father did the strangest thing: he knelt down and closed his eyes.  This act enraged me all the more.  I demanded that he get up and fight me.  But his only posture was silence.  What was he doing? Was he being weak?  Shutting me out?  I didn't understand it, but eventually it stopped the fight. (p. 19)

An explanation?  A challenge?  Merely something to consider?  I'm not going to try to know.  


No that's not true.  When my husband arrives home, I'll read the passage to him. And we'll talk and rehash and try to understand.  We'll stay up too late.  Again.


But maybe we'll be that much closer to a posture of silence.  And peace.

The Bright Field

I have seen the sun break through 

to illuminate a small field 

for a while, and gone my way 

and forgotten it. But that was the pearl 

of great price, the one field that had 

treasure in it. I realize now 

that I must give all that I have 

to possess it. Life is not hurrying

on to a receding future, nor hankering after 

an imagined past. It is the turning 

aside like Moses to the miracle 

of the lit bush, to a brightness 

that seemed as transitory as your youth 

once, but is the eternity that awaits you.

~ R. S. Thomas ~

Jagged

It is a jagged wound.  The type that doesn't heal quickly, that smarts at unexpected times even as it heals, that tears again easily.  


That is honest.


And yet you wonder why I am not ready to jump off another cliff, to play tackle football, to risk.  You see it as an indication that I am not taking responsibility for my own healing.


On the contrary.


I could patch it with a band-aid and a fake-Christian smile, to appease you.  But I am not longer interested in appeasing.  That's what got me to this situation --  appeasing in this situation, appeasing in life.  I intend now to be as honest as I possibly can.  Kind.  But honest.  


If you indeed want me to be responsible for my own healing, you need to allow me the space to be honest, to listen to God's guidance, not yours, to protect healthy boundaries.  You want me to be extremely vulnerable, but that would be irresponsible on my part.  I will be vulnerable to God, not you. You call me dangerous and immature.  You view it as a weakness in my character.  Perhaps.  But I'm pretty sure God is telling me it's okay to protect my heart, to protect the process.  


I will not hurry.  That is disappointing to you, I know.  I once had a seminary professor who said, "Maturity is knowing whom to disappoint."  I am willing to disappoint you.  


I am trying to offer you grace.  I am offering you grace -- just not as much as you are demanding, as you have demanded. 


I am engaging in the process not because of you or your pressure or your attempts to shame me, not even because I am a good person.  It is because God continues to show me that He is present here with me.  He is with you too.  This is not the end for either of us.  But neither of us can or should dictate the journey forward.

********************
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not for I am with you.
I will strengthen you.
I will help you.
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.


Psalm 27:13-14
I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage; 
wait for the Lord.