Yesterday was a day of festering conflicts and messy but effective resolutions. All conflicts are not resolved; the big one continues as complicated and muddled as ever. But some small nagging conflicts moved forward yesterday. Hopefully the progress was real.
Yesterday was a day to take down the autumn decorations I love so much and replace them with Christmas decor. The tree is up - thank goodness. This year, Rough and Tumble helped me assemble our imitation tree and line it with white lights. That's my least favorite part. He loved it. I loved his company.
Piles of fall items await their long months of storage. Boxes of Christmas items await placement. And I, the placer and store-er of these garnishes, sit blogging and listening to David Gray.
Usually, I listen to Christmas music while decorating for Christmas. But in the absence of a working CD player and with my iPod not yet loaded with seasonal tunes, I'm left with the usual iPod shuffle, which has lead me to this song (lyrics below the video link):
Flame Turns Blue
David Gray
I went looking for someone I left behind
Yeah but no-one just a stranger did I find
I never noticed hadn't seen it as it grew
The void between us where the flame turns blue
Different places yeah but they all look the same
Dreams of faces in the streets devoured by names
I'm in collision with every stone I ever threw
And blind ambition where the flame turns blue
Words dismantled hey and all the books unbound
Conversations though we utter not a sound
I heard a rumour don't know if it's true
That you'd meet me where the flame turns blue
So I venture underneath the leaden sky
See the freight train with its one fierce eye
And then I listen as it tears the night in two
And a whistle and the flame turns blue
In the morning I will sing
In the morning I will sing
Through the lemon trees the diamonds of light
Break in splinters on the pages where I write
That if I lost you I don't know what I'd do
Burn forever where the flame tuns blue
Yeah if I lost you I don't know what I'd do
Burn forever where the flame turns blue
In the morning I will sing....
I love David Gray and actually got to see him in concert this summer. The man can belt out an emotion-laden wail better than anyone in the business. And he writes such deeply insightful lyrics and evocative melodies.
"I'm in collision with every stone I ever threw and blind ambition where the flame turns blue." "Words dismantled and all the books unbound."
What caught my attention in this song today, what made me abandon my decorating to replay the song and sit to listen, was the repeated phrase, "In the morning I will sing."
Possibly it's the weather. Maybe it's that combined with the relief of resolved conflicts. Perhaps it's the six nights straight of good sleep after a rest-less month. But my heart feels a bit lighter, a tiny bit hopeful.
I've experienced this lightness in brief snatches during the past week, times of relief, stretches of deep peace and trust in God. They don't last yet. I know that too. Behind them follow deep dips of discouragement and doubt and hurt. But just as I do not question the dips, I'm trying not to question the lightness. Yes, it seems incongruous, but it's no less real. And when it comes, it's a welcome respite from the times of pain and struggle. I will accept the lightness for the gift it is.
And I will pray with the strength this lightness brings.
*****************
Quoted in Celtic Daily Prayer
I see your hands,
not white and manicured,
but scarred and scratched and competent,
reach out --
not always to remove the weight I carry,
but to shift its balance, ease it,
make it bearable.
Lord, if this is where You want me,
I'm content.
No, not quite true. I wish it were.
All I can say, in honesty, is this:
If this is where I'm meant to be,
I'll stay. And try.
Just let me feel Your hands.
And, Lord, for all who hurt today --
hurt more than me --
I ask for strength and that flicker of light,
the warmth, that says You're there.
-- Eddie Askew, Many Voices, One Voice
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